This article is written by Kristen Moore, Associate Executive Director at the Simmons YMCA. She has her MA in Counseling from UNCC and is a Nationally Certified Counselor.
After many years working as a counselor with cancer patients I have learned some valuable lessons from the survivors, family members and friends; all of which respond to the diagnosis differently. Above all I have found that working in the field of oncology is the best gift in the world, one that brings many tears, laughs and the best reason to eat whatever tastes good!
When you hear the words “its cancer” you instantly become part of a club that no one wants to join. You also become part of a club that fights like no other, learns to survive, and goes on to live life as a precious gift. However the steps in that process are ones that take time. Learn along the way and remember that the journey is also a gift, pay attention!
Lessons from Survivors:
- You are a survivor not a patient. From the moment that a person is given a cancer diagnosis they become a survivor. This is language that helps them fight and believe that winning the battle is the only way. This also demonstrates that every day fighting is a day of winning the battle. I wonder what this world would look like if we all considered ourselves survivors! What a powerful view of life.
- Everyone is different. Wow, we have heard that one before right? But it is the simple truth, each diagnosis, prognosis and journey is very different. Keep in mind that each day is different, each week is different, each treatment is different, each emotion is different – I think you get the picture!
- Cope how ever is comfortable. We already covered that everyone is different – but it also applies here as well. Remember that we all get through the tough times in different ways. Some people find comfort in writing and journaling. Others enjoy taking up a new hobby. Many find solace in being with others that are on the same journey. There are many support groups where you can talk and share the experience, the key is that you do not have to be alone.
- Eat whatever tastes good. This is not a time to be on a diet! The treatments will create all kinds of different reactions to your taste and appetite, so eat whatever tastes good whenever you can. Yes you can even eat in the middle of the night!
- Will the expert please step forward. That is YOU!! Don’t ever forget that you know your body better than anyone else including your doctor. Yes he may wear the white coat, but you have lived in the same skin your whole life! Don’t ever question yourself when something does not feel right – you are probably right – it’s not right.
- What happened to my faith. This is a common emotion that few really like to talk about. However questioning your faith in this time of crisis is very common. We don’t like to question God, but trust me you are not alone. You are questioning everything in your life right now and asking WHY? Just remember that this is common and it takes time to understand. Just because you are questioning your faith does not mean that you are less of a Christian, it means that you are human!
- Say it now. Often times we think that we will tell someone that we love them the next time we are together. Or maybe reconciliation was put off for another day. Don’t wait, say it all and say it now. We are never promised anything in life so don’t wait for the diagnosis or the next time you see someone, do it today.
- Do it now. Have you ever driven to work but then when you get there you can’t remember getting out of the car. We live our lives on auto pilot, not paying attention to everyday things. This is the time to not take the sunshine, rain, flowers, clouds, a stranger on the street, friends, family for granted. Pay attention to the little things, you never now how big they really could be.
Lessons from Family and Friends:
- Saying something is better than nothing at all. How many times have you heard about someone getting the tough news and you say to yourself “I just don’t know what to say.” Well imagine being on the receiving end of that thought. I have learned that it is better to just say that you are speechless and don’t know what words can describe your feelings rather than to not say anything at all.
- Just listen. When was the last time you just sat and someone listened to you? Doesn’t happen very often does it? Well this is one of those times where you need to sharpen those listening skills and get comfortable with staying quiet and being present in the moment.
- Don’t tell your stories. Please don’t tell your story about your great aunt that had the same kind of cancer. Really this is not the time, just listen.
- “Call me if you need anything.” Although this is a great gesture please understand that the diagnosis is overwhelming and thinking of the list for you to help with is just too much. If you want to help just offer to do something: pick up the kids from school, bring over meals, take the dry cleaning, do a few loads of laundry. Just name it and that is a big help.
- Don’t hide your feelings. Many times friends and family act as though they need to be the rock and stay strong for everyone involved. Please just be in the moment and show your true emotions. When you hide what you are feeling it appears more distant and detached, this is a time to come together.
- You will feel helpless. This is just a hard fact. When you are not the one fighting through treatments you will feel very out of control. This is a feeling that is uncomfortable, but one that all family friends feel, just know that you are not alone.
- You will feel guilt. There is a tough emotion that is called survivors guilt. You will wonder why it was not you that was diagnosed. Why, why, why. Why does it have to be your family member. There are no answers, again just know that you are not alone.
- Knowledge is power. Read what you can on the topic of cancer and the treatments. When you know what to expect for some people can be very comforting.
The lessons in cancer are unending. Most of all we must not forget that the journey is our own yet others have certainly gone before us and there is still much to learn. Lean on your friends and family and live each day as a precious gift.
This article is in tribute to Judy Brueckman, a survivor, fighter, mother, wife, coworker, Simmons YMCA team member, and someone that we all call friend. Please keep Judy and her family in your prayers as she is fighting a very good fight.